In our world we are separated by barriers, boundaries or shall I say titles that keep us at a distance. They stop us from achieving the goal of seeing everyone as a brother and sister. They stop us from being judged by the content of our character instead of the color of our skin. While I am the title of African-American woman, I now face the harsh truth of another title 'transient.' By this I mean have I come and gone in and out of people's lives without putting down roots or establishing a real connection. Have I come to the realization that I have played into this "title giving" role so deeply that it has destroyed my connections with others?
From a very young age, I in many ways lived with my mom and my Aunt Claudine. Being the youngest of 5, I barely communicated much with my 3 older brothers (my oldest brother being 11 years older than me) and my relationship with my sister was bad to say the least. Also the feeling of abandonment from a "dad" (whom I call sperm donor) I met once in my entire life made things even worse. I honestly would have preferred to not meet him that one day. My escape from my feelings and the wrath of my sister was to run to my Aunt's home whenever possible. This escape resulted in the disconnect of communication with my mother, missed opportunity of connecting with my brothers, and all around misunderstandings with my sister. A total lack of communication ruined the makeup of my immediate family. My Aunt 'Dean, as we called her, and my cousin Keisha were my shelter from the many storms I went through growing up. When my Aunt passed away of breast cancer I was a teen, so self-absorbed with my own pain that I didn't say goodbye. I couldn't even push my self-absorption aside to be able to comfort my cousin during her grief. Two major things that haunted me for so long until 3 days ago, almost 16 years later. From there I would go from Aunt to Aunt, from cousin to cousin searching for a deep connection of communication I missed out on in my immediate family. Only to not be able to find it in my intermediate family either. I did however find much hurt and pain from the past being held on to by many of them. So much so that it destroyed many of their relationships as adults as well. I found brokenness in far too many areas of my entire family. So much damage cannot be undone unfortunately. For me, I was more searching for the title of mother and sister to be filled, to have a sort of do over. I even carried this on into my adult life searching for protectors, for people to fill those positions, only to be greatly disappointed. It was more that I couldn't let go of my feeling of dissatisfaction or disconnect from those titles to be able to gain a deep connection with anyone. Even those with the title of best friend, as grand as it is, couldn't stop me from my transitory nature and from being distant. I chose to walk through life a loner, just as I had been when I was younger. Never feeling like I truly belonged anywhere, not being able to tell anyone my hurt and pain, believing I could not trust anyone. I've even cut people out of my life, some I regret, while others were a necessity. I'd conditioned myself to be distant, to not confide in anyone. In my early 20s, when I worked at a job for 5.5 years, I became close friends with many of my associates, but I always kept them at a distance. At 25, when living in a hostel for 3 months in California, I didn't fully connect with those who I became friends with and by then I'd become a passive-aggressive handful. Then came my life in Las Vegas, a city known for its transient people. I decided to make it my home, I mean I wasn't getting close to anyone so why not? After 3 years here and much growing up, I came to the conclusion that I must put down roots in Vegas. I no longer wish to live as a transient person. This is where I belong. Even after visiting my hometown in IL I recognized that I can never have or get the relationship I wanted with my relative family. The family I must focus on is here with the love of my life and the city I live in, with those so called transient people. I must stop walking through life disconnected from everyone. If I hadn't met my fiance I'm sure I would still be living transiently. What sparked this entire realization was a visit from my Aunt Claudine in my dream 3 nights ago. She was my way of letting go of the past, of realizing that while I have given apologies and forgiven others for their past transgressions, I must also forgive myself. I believe she wants me to move forward because she has forgiven me. I must stop being so closed off and start connecting with other people. Life is too short for me to be carrying this baggage that holds me back. This dream was much needed and I know it was sent from my Father. The trip to IL to help my loved ones change their lives for the better by improving their health and happiness didn't work out as well as I thought. I thought because they are my relative family I could pursued them to change certain bad habits, just as I'd done for myself. Over 50% of African American women are obese and my family is no exception. I wanted them to live long healthy, happy lives. I understand now that often times people become so conditioned in their emotions whether it be anger, disappointment, fear, stubbornness, sadness, victim, etc; or in other words "set in their ways" that they cannot be moved. For an outside person to bring up such things only sparks a defensive response. It is up to the individual to realize such things then take action to change it. There's another baggage burden removed from my shoulders, I cannot feel responsible for anyone, but myself. While I could not help my family and friends from my hometown, I will continue to work on helping those whose time it is to receive my help. I have to let go of the past, that time has come and gone. I cannot continue to live with my heart in two places, I no longer live there and although they are my family by relation, everyone is my family. Since I cannot drop the title of family I will expand on it, broaden its definition. The things I missed out on from my childhood cannot be replaced, I can however make even better memories to make up for the ones I wanted. While I also ask others to look beyond all the titles that keep us separated I must take my own advice. No matter what the race, religion, sexuality, etc of a person is; whether black, white, yellow, red, gay, straight, bisexual, trans-gendered, American, European, African, Asian, Hispanic; everyone is my mother, brother, and sister. I must begin my own path of redefining what those titles mean, I must let go of what I once defined them as (only relatives). By opening up my heart to every and all, I am embracing my Father's love even more just as he wants. This is what we all should do. WE ARE ALL FAMILY.
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Let me start by first saying I completely overreacted about the Fiverr incident with the stolen money. I say this now because if I had quit Fiverr (as at the time I seriously thought of doing so), I would not have acquired this book deal or in other words this wonderful opportunity. Yes, this book deal came from a buyer on Fiverr! Last night, a buyer contacted me about recording the audio for her 75,000+ word book, after negotiating a price I sealed the deal. I received half of the payment this morning and the rest I will receive after I have completed the book, which will be in a little over 2 weeks (March 6th). I am very excited as this is the first full book deal I will have under my belt, I've done a few short stories and a book of poems but nothing beyond about 7,000 words for one project. This is the big one I've been wanting!
This book deal and the incident with Fiverr and the hacked account goes to show how anger clouds one's judgment. I was so upset that my account was hacked, I was willing to cut all ties with the company that initially got me started with voice over work. Now, about a week later, I have my first book deal on that same site. I'm glad my fiance talked me out of deleting my account and continuing to work with them. The $78 loss seems so small and ridiculous now because I allowed that to bother me so much. I am still a work in progress when it comes to emotional control, but I can certainly say that I am far better than most, which I am proud of myself for regardless. I've come a long way from who I used to be, I was quite young minded and immature. Unfortunately, a lot of people in their 30s, 40s, 50s, and even 60s are still very immature. I'll be 30 years old this year, I refuse to be the same person in my 30s that I was in my 20s. I want to keep improving and learning so I can grow and mature, a person must never stop learning and growing. I thought last year was a wonderful blessing, but I can already see how much greater this year will be as I continue to improve myself. Life only gets better as each year comes. Time will always pass, what matters most is the progress you've made. What do you have to show for all your hard work? Make your life work count for something, what will your legacy be? "Anger is a material manifestation which represents in a general way, the measure of the failure of the spiritual nature to gain control of the combined intellectual and physical natures. Anger indicates your lack of tolerant brotherly love plus your lack of self-respect and self-control. Anger depletes the health, debases the mind, and handicaps the spirit teacher of man's soul." -JESUS This is the program Edward and I took the trip to IL/MO to try to get people I know and love involved in. I have been a participant in the pilot program through which I have greatly improved myself in the areas of mind, body, and spirit. Body: I lost 25 pounds which I have kept off even though 90% of diets fail with the person gaining the weight back (think Oprah). I go to the gym 2-3x a week, my heart rate has gone down from 88 bpm to 64 bpm. My running mile time has gone down from over 10 mins to 6 min 58 sec. This is the best shape I've ever been in, in my entire life! Mind: I have gained better emotional control, I am no longer controlled by anger or negative feelings which more people need to learn how to do. I have learned new skills such as working from home as a voice over actress, I am now a weight loss management coach, and I read far more educational books now than ever before. Spirit: I meditate to get in touch with God or my higher nature to keep my lower nature (human nature/animalistic tendencies) from taking over. Some say it's "the devil" when things go wrong or when they are mad or angry, I say it's just human nature, we have to train our minds to work for us. In comes this new program created specifically to improve the world. YOU ARE THE PROJECT is a revolutionary self-improvement program that leaves people with no excuses for why they are not accomplishing their goals or improving themselves. It is meant to make people less lazy, angry, stagnant, and more active, logical, happy, and improving themselves. There is a "no excuses" allowed rule in this program. Even better is that you get paid to improve yourself, who wouldn't want to have a job where they get paid to improve themselves? WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR??? www.youaretheproject.com
Yesterday I wrote about how I am becoming more serious about life and finding a lot less humor. So I decided to post a video that made me laugh several times, this I found hilarious. Video courtesy: JoeysWorldTour ~In about 5 days, my fiance and I will be taking a trip back to my home state, Illinois. Our purpose is to introduce my loved ones to this new program we will be taking worldwide. It was created for everyone to succeed in life and I feel it can be a great help to the world. As a kid growing up, I always wanted to make a difference in the world, to change the world for the better and this program does just that. I certainly feel that God has partnered me with the most loving and caring partner in the world and together we will help as many people as we possibly can with this. Even if somehow my loved ones decide it is not for them, I cannot and will not allow that to discourage me as I know that progression and change happens at different levels for each individual. I know it can help them, but if they are not open to it and do not have a positive mindset then it will not be for them. I know I cannot force anyone to make positive changes in their lives, all I can do is try to point them in the right direction and always show them love. Regardless, it will be a wonderful trip to where I came from, it will also be the first time my fiance meets a large part of my family. Yesterday, my fiance and I found the perfect office space to launch it from here in Vegas. We are moving forward with getting this program up and going!
~I find myself becoming more serious about life in general as each day passes, I am also finding things a lot less humorous. Possibly because a large part of my childhood was filled with fake laughs to hide all the pain I held inside. I recently saw a film titled "Moonlight" which shows the life of a young African American man from childhood to adulthood. The movie reminded me of my life in many ways. He said he cried so much as a kid he thought he would turn into a tear and I was the same. He unfortunately had a mother who treated him badly while also being bullied and tormented by kids in school. I completely understand how much more it hurts being tormented by someone you love than a stranger. I felt like this film showed a modern version of the black community today and more films like this should be produced. Yes it is great to see films about our past, but our present situation must also be acknowledged, so we can work on fixing the things that must be fixed. ~I have now completely typed my book, it is formatted in a word document and I am moving forward with the editing. I will probably go back through it, reading for clarification and to structure it better first. This process is taking time, but regardless I know I cannot rush it. I will not set a release date for it because there are many uncertainties especially with editing and publishing. When the time comes, I will just release it to the world. It will be a real eye opener filled with much truth and many solutions. May this year bring you much happiness, inner peace, and strength, Shenteria Marie ~It is now 2017!!! Another wonderful year to create goals and work on improving myself as I hope everyone else is as well. My fiance spent New Years with a couple of new found friends at Aliante Hotel and Casino. There was a nice NYE party with a great band and some free champagne. Although we don't drink, we took a few sips for the special occasion. We had a wonderful night bringing in the New Year, I have made it a goal for us both to experience the fireworks of the Strip next NYE. We have been in Vegas for 3 years now and neither of us have witnesed the Strip fireworks for NY or Independence Day.
~I am now in the finishing stages of completing the book. I spent majority of today typing it out and getting down a few statistics about crime etc. I am still on schedule to have it published by the end of January. The editing process will take more time depending on who I hire to do it. Regardless of how much time it will take, this book will be coming out. I feel it is the best way I can do the most good for the black community. By recognizing the problems we face among ourselves and not ignoring them we can then begin to work on solutions to them. I'm sick and tired of all the excuses. The biggest problems we face are black on black crime and black on black abuse. If we don't fix it, then it will not get fixed! ~My hair is getting longer! I am so excited about it! I've never had my hair as short as it was when I did the big chop on Feb 15, 2016. I am coming up on the year mark and will probably create a 1 year post chop video. For me, allowing my hair to grow naturally shows me that the myth about black women's hair is false. Too many black women believe our hair cannot grow beyond a certain point, I certainly felt that way. The reason that belief is carried down from generation to generation is because we are not properly taking care of our own hair! All the heat and chemicals being added to black hair is completely unnecessary and I'm pretty sure the chemicals from relaxers are destroying the brain. The negative self image of curly hair being seen as nappy has also unfortunately been passed down by the black community. Straight hair does not mean beauty, your character and your confidence says that. I have been natural for almost a year now and my hair is almost back to where it was before my big chop. After the big chop, the front of my hair only reached between my eyebrows. Now my hair extends below my chin. It is growing and I am loving it! I am ecstatic to begin another wonderful new year! May blessings surround you all! ~Today, I went to the park and began writing the final chapter of my book. I am almost finished with the first rough draft, with 5 days left in the month I know I'll make it. Unfortunately, I stopped creating the online course for voice over work to make completing the book a higher priority. Which works best as I know this book will do the most good for everyone. My purpose of writing this book is to make a change in the world. To bring awareness to a lot of people so we can create better futures for ourselves. It is being written out of love, understanding, and works towards making a better world for everyone. "Be the change you wish to see in the world." -Gandhi "The best way to predict the future is to create it." -Abraham Lincoln
~Yesterday was Christmas and my fiance and I enjoyed ourselves together. We aren't big on buying so many expensive gifts for ourselves so we only bought 3 gifts max for the each of us. My best gift was the Matrix Collection! I watched the Matrix a few days ago and it felt like it was my first time watching it. I'd seen it once before for the action, but now that my mind is more open to spiritual meanings seeing it this time blew me away. I really got the essence of the message. It really awakened me to improving myself further and how much potential we all truly have. So for Christmas, my fiance found the collection and got it for me. Now I am looking forward to watching the second and third films as well as the many commentaries, special features, etc. I'm really excited to see the philosophy behind it, there's an extra feature in which a few professionals speak about what they thought of it. ~This year has been the best year ever and next year will be even better! This year I gained complete emotional control, I rode in a helicopter for the first time ever, I rode a horse for the first time ever, I completed a 30 day challenge, I gained a 4 pack aka a 6 pack, I am completely disciplined, I continue to work on improving myself to become the best me I can possibly be. I certainly wish 2017 will be a happy and healthy one for everyone! ~Lately I've been so busy working hard to make sure I accomplish my last 2 goals, today I am spending a lot of time working on completion of the voice over actor course. I recorded half of the videos and edited a few, today I will apply the voice over to them. I am making sure I don't criticise myself so much because if I do overkill I will end up talking myself out of completing it. This will be the first course I have created and I am enjoying it as much as possible. This could become a great way to make passive income.
~My book is steady moving along, last week I spent Monday and Thursday working on it. I always go to the park to receive inspiration out in the open air, just me and God. Even with it being December here in Vegas I can sit in my car for hours without having to turn on the heat, it is wonderful! I have 2 and 1/2 chapters left of my book to complete! After that I will be merging some parts of the first book I was writing with this one, then the rough draft will be complete. I have less than 2 weeks before the deadline and I am very confident that I will make it. My fiance and I decided we would watch less tv now, 2-3 hours a day for weekdays. This way we can stay focused on accomplishing our goals and being productive as much as possible. ~This week, we went to a couple Christmas parties. The first was thrown here, where we live, inside the clubhouse, the second was an invite from a close friend. We truly enjoyed both parties. We finally became acquainted with many of our neighbors, besides the ones we've met while working out at the gym.We also may have possibly found more people to involve in the project we will be launching next year. It has been a lovely week! ~The migraines seem to have stopped, thankfully. Now, what happens is the aura will appear in my vision, with minimal pain and it eventually goes away. No meds have been needed, so I'm feeling good. I also had my MRI and the doctor wants to monitor the arachnoid cyst to make sure it isn't getting any bigger. I will be having another MRI in about 3-6 months. I am hopeful that everything will be fine, no fear, no anxiety, just hope. Regardless of what happens, I am always thankful and blessed to be living the wonderful life I am now. I have no regrets. May thoughts of love and blessings of happiness surround you, God bless. One goal down, two more to go! The day before yesterday, my fiance and I decided to complete our weight loss management certifications this week. We ended up completing it within 2 days (to be totally honest we were 75% done with the course a couple months ago, this time around was a refresher to take the test). By not applying for any jobs on Upwork or Fiverr, I was able to get through the entire course without any distractions or voice over jobs that needed to be done. It actually worked best by going through it in a couple days as everything was fresh in my mind when I took the test. I passed with an 85% and I am proud of myself for completing it. My main reason for starting the weight loss management course was to help people take better care of their health. While taking the course, I found out 50% of African American women are obese, not just overweight, but obese. It even stated that the obesity had nothing to do with income, as AA women who aren't considered as having a lower income neglect their health as well. To me this was shocking, so I felt completing the course was very important. As an African American woman, I feel obligated to help other AA women manage their health and weight. I know old habits die hard and most people overindulge in bad foods, but when it's a matter of life or death I think people would choose life. The black community needs to pay more attention to these negative behaviors that are killing us. If anyone reading this would like a free consultation, please do yourself a favor and contact me. My email is shenteriamarie@gmail.com I will respond within 24 hours, unless your email ends up in my spam folder, in that case it would be within 48 hours. Even if you aren't an African American women and would still like a consultation, please contact me. I only want to help others, I know that we can all do so much better by working together and helping each other.
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July 2017
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